If Forever Comes

  Copyright © 2013 A.L. Jackson

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without prior permission of the publisher.

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Names, characters, places, and plots are a product of the author’s imagination. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  ISBN: 978-1-938404-71-9

  Cover Image: iStock

  Cover Design: Devyn Jensen

  www.aljacksonauthor.com

  To my Molly. Because even the smallest souls live on forever.

  Devyn and Katie ~ This has been a crazy run. Thank you for sticking with me and putting up with it all.

  Chad, Eli, and Braydon ~ Thank you for always understanding.

  Christine, Gail, and Stacy, my amazing betas ~ Thank you for devoting your time to me, for all the suggestions and wisdom, and for sharing your stories.

  Nancy ~ Thank you for whipping this thing into shape.

  Present Day, Late September

  I once made a promise that no matter what life brought our way, I would never walk away.

  I’d meant it. Every fucking word of it.

  But life had taken Elizabeth and me down a path neither of us knew how to navigate. One neither of us could bear. Life sometimes puts so much weight on our shoulders we crumble, bends us so far we break.

  It’d broken Elizabeth. Cruelly. Savagely.

  In turn, she’d shattered me.

  I lifted the glass to my lips. The golden liquid burned a path down my throat and settled as a pathetic excuse for comfort in the pit of my stomach.

  Lifting the glass again, I bled it dry. Ice clanked around in the bottom when I slammed it to the bar. I raked my hand through my hair and palmed the tense muscles in my neck.

  Kurt inclined his head toward my glass. “You need another?”

  I shrugged and pushed the empty toward him. “Guess so.”

  He laughed with a mild shake of his head and began to pour me a fresh drink. “You playing coy tonight? I’ve watched you stumble your sorry ass out of here at closing damn near every night for the last three months. Planning on cutting yourself off early or something?” Sarcasm rolled from the question, and he cocked a disparaging brow.

  An incredulous snort shot from my nose. He had me pegged. The only plan I had was drinking myself into a stupor and praying when I woke in the morning, I’d wake from this fucking nightmare and be in Elizabeth’s bed.

  “Just keep them coming.”

  He set the tumbler in front of me. “That’s what I figured.”

  The little bar was quiet tonight. I only had to walk two short blocks inland from my condo to seek its seclusion. I’d passed it what seemed a million times when I’d travel to and from Elizabeth’s house, and now it’d become some kind of fucked-up refuge that fed the destruction, something to knock me down a little further. Yeah, I knew exactly how to get here, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t lost.

  That’s what we were. Both of us. Completely, unbearably lost.

  Slumping forward, I propped myself up on my elbow, head supported by my hand. I took a deep swill of my drink, wishing that missing her didn’t hurt so bad. It was excruciating.

  But I knew in my burning gut that she was hurting worse than I was, more than I could imagine, and that was what was absolutely killing me.

  I jumped when a stool skidded against the floor beside me. I cut my eye to whoever thought it necessary to take a seat right beside me in a bar that was nearly deserted.

  Matthew.

  Of course.

  He plopped down onto the stool with a heavy sigh and leaned forward on his elbows.

  Kurt approached. “What can I get you, man?”

  “Bud Light.”

  The two of us said nothing while Kurt twisted the cap and slid the beer toward him.

  “Thanks,” Matthew mumbled.

  “Sure thing.”

  Matthew drew the beer to his mouth, looked ahead without a word as he swallowed hard.

  Tension flared between us, this dense weight that thickened the air. On edge, I sipped at my drink and tapped my fingers on the bar, my defenses all wound up and on alert.

  “You’re a hard man to find,” he finally said.

  “That’s because I don’t want to be found.”

  So obviously that was a lie. All I wanted was for Elizabeth to somehow find her way back to me. What I didn’t want was to sit here and listen to Matthew feed me bullshit about how everything was going to be all right. To give it time.

  It was always more fucking time. But time only turned around and heaped more sorrow on top of us. And Matthew hadn’t suffered through what we had. He hadn’t watched the light dim in Elizabeth’s eyes. Not the way I had. I wasn’t sure any amount of time could rekindle it.

  “So is this what you do with yourself night after night when you don’t have Lizzie?”

  I lifted a noncommittal shoulder. “What? You think I should sit alone in my condo instead?” I released a resentful snort. “Fuck that.”

  Anger pinged around in my chest. My condo had finally gone under contract too, while Elizabeth and I had searched for the perfect home to raise our family in. But I had to back out of the sale at the last minute so I’d at least have someplace to sleep while the rest of my world fell apart.

  Matthew pinned me with a look of disbelief. “So this is better? This is your solution?” His words hardened as he waved an exasperated hand around the room. “Do you think I don’t get it, Christian? Do you think I don’t know how hard this is for you?”

  I shook my head and turned away, tipped my glass back to my mouth. No, I didn’t think he got it. How the hell could he? He got to crawl in bed with the woman he loved every night, not lie across town from her, wide awake, worrying that might be the exact moment she was breaking into pieces every god-damned minute of the night.

  He dipped his head and turned his face up to capture mine. “Do something,” he pleaded.

  Pain fisted my heart, because I really wanted to, but then the bitterness came surging back. “Like what?” My face pinched. “I fucking tried. I tried and I only made things worse. She won’t even look at me when I see her.”

  “Because she’s hurting, Christian.”

  “Don’t you think I realize that? But I can’t take that pain away. If I could, I would, but there is absolutely nothing in this world I can do to change what happened.”

  “So…what? Give up? Pretend that both of you aren’t miserable without each other?” Frustrated, Matthew forced his stool back from the bar and stood, dug out his wallet and tossed a ten on the counter. He turned to leave, hesitating, then took an aggressive step toward me.

  “You know what, Christian? I had faith in you. You promised you’d never walk away from her again, and I believed you. You promised to be there through thick and thin…” He vibrated, seemed to try to calm himself as he ran a hand over his crop of brown hair. “Well, this is the thin, and it fucking sucks. I know that. And I know you’re hurting every bit as much as she is. But this, right now”—he jabbed his finger on the bar—“is when that promise counts. Not when everything is going like you planned.”

  My attention dropped to my fingers where I had a stranglehold on the half-empty glass. Harsh words dripped from my mouth. “She doesn’t want me, Matthew. She made it clear she’d rather die than let me touch her again. Believe me, if there was any chance I could win her back, I’d take it. But there’s not. Elizabeth already made her decision.”

  “You fought so hard for her. Now look at you.” He shook hi
s head in disgust. “You’re a damned fool.”

  He left me sitting there in my misery.

  I drained the last of my drink. Slumping over on the bar, I buried my face in the crook of my elbow.

  My head hurt. My heart hurt.

  Everything just fucking hurt.

  My eyes fluttered as my thoughts swam, and I got lost somewhere between fantasy and reality.

  Late December, Nine Months Earlier

  I clicked the door shut behind us and flicked the lock. Elizabeth backed into the middle of the room, those warm brown eyes never looking away from me. I rushed her, hungrily palming her hips as my mouth descended on the sweetness of hers. “I’ve been dying to get you alone all night,” I grumbled as I jerked her against my body.

  Elizabeth giggled, all throaty and warm. The deep burr vibrated against my lips. It reminded me so much of all those times I had her pinned against my apartment wall, back when we’d wandered these same New York City streets when we were in college. This woman I held in my arms felt so much like the eighteen-year-old I’d held all those years before, back when our bodies had explored, back when she’d grown from the innocent girl I’d first met into this sexy woman who very nearly lived in my bed. Back then she’d flirted and teased, had set me on fire, left me begging for more.

  And damn if it didn’t feel amazing to have her back.

  “Now that you have me alone, just what is it you intend to do with me?” she teased, tugging at my tie.

  We’d been out to dinner to celebrate the new life we were beginning. Lizzie had gotten all dressed up in the most adorable dress, her black hair tied up in ribbons. And Elizabeth… God, one look and she stole my breath. The city was in the grip of winter, and she was wearing a belted sweater dress that cinched around her narrow waist, flowing down to perfectly hug the curve of her hips. It came to rest just above her knees. There, just a strip of bare skin teased me before it gave way to black high-heeled boots. My attention shot to the diamond ring that danced on her finger. I still couldn’t believe she’d let me put it there. God, I couldn’t wait to marry her.

  “What don’t I intend to do with you would be the better question,” I murmured, wrapping my palm around the back of her neck, the other possessive at her waist. I kissed her hard, devoured the shocked breath of air that slipped up her throat, stroked my tongue across hers. I kissed her and kissed her and kissed her because I was never going to stop.

  Our suite bedroom had floor-to-ceiling windows that faced the street far below us. Outside, the city glowed. Winter bore down, and snowflakes fluttered toward the ground as they were set free from the inky sky. Lights glimmered through the haze, spilling a soft glow into our darkened room.

  I pushed her up against the window. Elizabeth grunted. She sagged against the expansive sheet of glass, the perfect lines of her body silhouetted against the backdrop of the city that seemed to echo my past, the memories so thick, they seemed almost alive.

  I took a step back and let my eyes wander over the one who inhabited them all.

  Gradually the lines of that beautiful face came into focus, and for a moment, my gaze got lost in the amber warmth of her soft brown eyes. Devotion pumped steadily through my veins. I loved her. Loved her with everything, with my life, with my soul.

  And I was going to spend my entire life proving it to her.

  My actions were slow and deliberate as I knelt down in front of her, watching the way her lips parted when I did. I slipped my hands under the hem of her dress, ran them up the softness of her thighs and around to cup her perfect, round bottom, my fingers brushing lace and satin. Her dress was all bunched up on my forearms as I hiked it around her hips. The long length of her toned legs were exposed as she stood there trembling in her boots.

  “You have the sweetest ass, Elizabeth,” I whispered as I burrowed my fingers into the delicate flesh. There was no stopping the overwhelming rush of need that burned through my system when I touched her this way. Flames licked at my skin and pulsed heat into my veins.

  Every single inch of my body hardened.

  “You always have,” I said as I stared up at her. “Do you know that? The first time I saw you ten years ago in that little cafe, all I could think about was finding out what you had hidden underneath your clothes. And it’s perfection, Elizabeth. Every inch of you is perfection.”

  Elizabeth watched down on me with dark, hungry eyes. Deliberately my hand slid around to her front. My tongue darted out to wet my lips as I nudged her legs farther apart. I ran my knuckles over the scrap of dampened lace between her thighs.

  Vibrations shook her, and she grasped my shoulders for support. “Christian,” pushed from her lungs in a quiet plea, her fingers desperate as they curled in my shirt.

  My name on her tongue sounded like heaven.

  I suppressed a pained groan and let my hands trail back down her legs to the top of her boots. I sat back a little, one knee on the floor and the other bent with my foot planted in front of me. I brought her foot up to rest on my knee. “I want you to remember this night, Elizabeth.” Slowly I dragged the zipper down the inside of her leg to her ankle. The distinct sound infiltrating the hush of the room slammed me with a shot of lust, curled as the tightest knot in the pit of my stomach. I had to will myself to keep it under control, to go slow, because I wanted to savor this night. “I want you to forever remember the first time I make love to you in the city where we started all those years ago.”

  I wanted this night to erase every bad memory she harbored of this place while it took her back to the hundreds of perfect nights we’d spent with our bodies tangled.

  I wanted this to make a mark. An impression.

  I wanted it to make a promise.

  I worked her boot free, watching her expression as it dropped to the floor with a soft thunk.

  Elizabeth emitted a tiny whimper, quivered more.

  Quietly I went to work on the other.

  Anticipation thickened the air around us, ours breaths filling the room, heavy and hard. Both of our bodies strained, knowing the pleasure that was to come. Elizabeth and I had wasted so much time. Too much time. How many nights had been pilfered away when we could have been wrapped up in each other like we were going to be tonight? No more. I was finished squandering away my chances, finished living my life as a fool.

  My life would be lived for her.

  And I’d never get enough.

  I edged back to take her in.

  Barefooted, she squirmed in front of me, her palms flattened against the window to hold herself up. Her expression was dark, intense, needy…as needy as my own. Soft fingertips came out to brush along my cheek, set me aflame as they glanced across my lips.

  “You are such a beautiful man,” she murmured as a somber flash of emotion flitted over her face. “Inside and out. Thank you for showing me. For making me finally see. For helping me believe. I’d forgotten how to.”

  With her adoring touch, a shiver rolled down my spine, spun with my desire, wound with the devotion that filled every crevice of my being. She was mine. But God, there was no doubt that I belonged to her.

  “I won’t ever let you forget again.” The promise penetrated the heady air.

  Steadily I pushed to my feet, my gaze locked on hers, my intentions clear. I unbuckled her belt, let it fall free before I fisted her dress and dragged it over her head. Waves of her hair fell all around her delicate shoulders, her nearly naked body like a beacon that called me home. I took her by the hips and hoisted her up. She wrapped her long legs around my waist, just as sure as the arms she wrapped around my neck. Her tiny body burned into mine as she pressed herself to me.

  My spirit sang.

  With one arm secured around her waist, I twisted the other hand through the thick locks of blonde that shimmered in the faint glow of light cast in from the window.

  Elizabeth brushed her lips across mine, then sucked at my bottom lip before she turned her attention to the top. A greedy urge to consume her speared me when sh
e swept her tongue over mine in a slow, measured tease.

  A growl rumbled in my chest, and I felt her smiling against my mouth, all cute and smug.

  My hold intensified as I carried her toward the huge bed that rested in the middle of the room.

  This girl was too much. One touch and she managed to devour me whole.

  But tonight, I would be the one doing the devouring.

  I dropped her onto the bed. She bounced on the plush mattress, and that hoarse giggle from earlier made a resurgence. A coy smile curved her perfect mouth as she stared up at me.

  “And just what do you think you’re laughing about?” I warned, fighting the humor that threatened to work its way into my tone. I stepped back and tugged at the knot in my tie. I pulled it free, dropped it to the ground. I ticked through the buttons on my shirt, one by one, while I matched her penetrating gaze.

  Sitting up on her elbows, she rubbed her thighs together, watching as I peeled my shirt from my shoulders. Her voice was all raspy. “I’m laughing because I can’t stop, Christian. I can’t express what being with you means to me. I never thought I’d feel this way again. How can I even begin to describe how good I feel?”

  I edged forward and placed my hands on her knees. “Prepare yourself to feel like this night after night, day after day, Elizabeth. I’m not ever going to stop loving you.” I forced her legs apart. My attention went straight to her lace-covered center. I dipped down and pressed my mouth to the thin fabric, softly kissed her there. “Not ever going to stop touching you.”

  Elizabeth jerked. The muscles of her flat belly rippled with the slow tremor that rolled through her body as I flattened my tongue on the lace in a long, firm stroke. She writhed. “Oh my God, Christian,” begged from her mouth.

  Her smell, the sounds escaping her quivering mouth, the need I felt radiating from her worked my body into a slow frenzy.