Come to Me Recklessly Page 12

I doubted I could achieve all of that tonight. Finding that strength and letting go of all the pain I’d held on to would take effort and wouldn’t come in a passing day. But it was a start, and I knew the first step was facing Christopher. Facing the way he made me feel. All of it – the chaos and confusion and uncertainty. The anger and the hate. The passion and the need and those flickers of a naive young love that had never dimmed or died.

  It was time.

  Another text buzzed.

  Don’t forget about little ol’ me when the man of your dreams sees you and sweeps you off your feet tonight… We have a date tomorrow… My house. Noon. Expect the time of your life ;)

  I shook my head, my fingers flying across the pad.

  Um… Ben… remember?

  His reply was almost instant.

  Riiight…

  I felt his eye roll from all the way across town.

  Stewart had this overly dramatic, overtly romantic notion for my life. To Stewart, Ben didn’t fit the bill. I was pretty sure the kid didn’t even like him, and he’d get all bristly and quiet whenever Ben stopped by to spend time with him. Lately those visits had become few and even farther between.

  I didn’t quite get Ben. He’d been the one with that amazingly profound gesture for Stewart. But once Stewart got sick again, Ben seemed not to want anything to do with him at all.

  When Ben admitted he was the one who’d written the letter that was responsible for the book that had become Stewart’s most prized possession, I’d finally allowed myself to give in and let go. Ben and I had seemed inevitable, anyway, and if any one person could be that thoughtful, how could I continue to turn him away?

  That was the kind of man I wanted.

  A thoughtful one. Kind and considerate.

  I’d once believed Christopher to be that… but as it’s said, actions speak so much louder than words.

  My response was simple yet somehow painful.

  Ben is a good man.

  Another Snap came through. I clicked into the message, and this time it wasn’t my brother’s face, but a picture of a girl being spun around in a field, her long hair flying behind her as she laughed toward the sky, held in her lover’s arms. Across it in a pretty script, it read, Every girl deserves to be swept off her feet.

  I didn’t respond, because what could I possibly say? Christopher had swept me off my feet and then tossed me right on my ass. I couldn’t have fallen any harder. Stewart couldn’t understand that. I knew he’d looked up to Christopher so much, thought of him as the cool guy who’d joke around with him, make him laugh. Viewed him as someone who didn’t treat him as if he was any different from everyone else. Loved him, even.

  But it’d all been a front. A fucking game.

  Was I crazy for wanting to forgive Christopher for that?

  I glanced at the clock. I was already half an hour late.

  Sighing, I walked to the front door.

  Guess so.

  Completely insane. Out of my mind.

  I gathered the pink gift bag stuffed with glittery tissue paper.

  A present for Cici.

  Making up all these stupid lies made me cringe, but once you made up one, you had to keep up, and Ben had tagged along with me to the mall when I’d gone to buy a gift. The next came when I said another girl from work would be swinging by to pick me up, and yet another when I filled him in that she’d so kindly also be bringing me home.

  Yep, I even had my own little fake DD. Ben had been all kinds of grateful for her. He said he wouldn’t have to worry about me making it home safe. But really it meant he could have an unrestricted night out with the guys, and I wouldn’t be putting a damper on his plans.

  Funny how he always wanted me safe at home while he could go out and do whatever it was he did every weekend.

  About thirty minutes earlier, he’d left with a quick peck to my lips and the instruction not to wait up, while he had the nerve to tell me not to stay out too late.

  Resentment rolled through my consciousness. If he just had let me talk, he’d know where I was going. Maybe he’d even have been my date.

  But my disappointment in him didn’t come close to equaling my relief. I needed to do this on my own and without his interference. Strong and independent.

  I flung the door open and squinted into the glaring light. Heat pulsed along the desert ground, the sun sagged low on the horizon, strewing glorious hues of colors across the desert sky as the endless blue canopy slowly darkened with the imminent night.

  I pulled in a cleansing breath and locked the door behind me. I couldn’t tell if I was more nervous this time or the last, my stomach flipping and my heart like a scatter of birds flapping at my chest.

  Last time I hadn’t known what to expect, whether I would see Christopher, and if I did, what I would feel.

  If I was being honest, I guessed I’d hoped I’d feel nothing – that seeing him would mean nothing, that he’d faded into nothing but a distant memory. Forgettable.

  Now I knew full well the violent impact he had on my senses. That dreaded anticipation ballooned, pressing and pulsing at my ribs. Still, I forged on with staunch determination set in my feet.

  Those confident steps faltered when I rounded the corner and saw the cars lining the street. But it wasn’t the number of them that caused me concern. It was that ominous, unmistakable black truck sitting right in front of Aly’s house that stole my breath and sent a rush of panic trampling through my senses. The same one I’d nearly collided with last Sunday afternoon.

  Foolish, foolish girl.

  The thought struck me deep, driving a blade of awareness into my soul. Within the confines of my house, I had such good intensions, such profound resolutions.

  But now, as I approached the door to Aly’s house and the sound of carefree voices and buoyant laughter beat at my ears, I felt even smaller than that gullible girl who’d been curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor at that party seven years ago, completely crushed. And like Ben had said, I’d been lucky he was there. The desperate relief I’d felt that night when he’d scooped me into his arms was one I’d never forget. Literally, he’d picked me up. Then over the years, he’d pieced me back together.

  Swallowing back the memories, I pressed a trembling finger to the doorbell.

  I can do this.

  ELEVEN

  Samantha

  Ten excruciating seconds passed. Each of them was spent in contemplation, torn between running and staying, the coward’s way out or the path of the brave. The most terrifying part was I didn’t know which direction was which.

  Just when I almost gave in to my fears and turned to escape, the door flew open to a smiling Aly. She surged forward and hugged me hard. “You came,” she murmured at my ear, the sound of her voice filled with more restraint and caution than it had been last week when she’d casually dragged me inside. Tonight, her welcome was edged with tension. She pulled back, her face close to mine. “He’s here.”

  Fear clogged my throat, and I fought against the urge to rock up onto my toes to look over her shoulder, to scour the room for the raging green eyes I knew I would find. “I know. Does he know I’m coming?”

  Almost in sympathy, she nodded. “Yeah. He wasn’t happy about it, but he promised he would leave you alone and let you enjoy yourself. Are you going to be okay?”

  I hefted out a breath. “Maybe I won’t be tonight… but one day I will be.”

  It was a promise, a commitment to the friendship we had made.

  She squeezed my hand. “I know you will.” She reached for the gift and my purse. “Let me take those.” She piled the gift in an overflowing mound against the wall and set my purse on a table collecting personal items. “Come inside. I want to introduce you to everyone.”

  My pulse picked up a notch. Was I ready for this? Warily, I peered inside. The one person I was searching for was nowhere to be found.

  Exhaling, I let Aly take my hand and lead me in. She snapped the door closed behind us. “Hey, ever
yone,” she called to the small circles of people chatting in groups in the great room of the house. “I want you to meet one of my very good friends, Samantha. Samantha Schultz.”

  It was as if she was making a declaration. As if I was important, my presence required. No doubt, Aly knew I needed the encouragement to stand here and endure the faces that turned my way.

  A few of those who didn’t know who I was came right up, shaking my hand and introducing themselves, telling me how they knew Aly and Jared. All of them were pleasant. Nice. Just like I’d expect any friends of Jared and Aly’s to be.

  “Hang on one sec.” Aly lifted her index finger and backed away, disappearing into the crowd taking up most of the kitchen. Five seconds later she came out of it hauling a blushing blonde by the hand, the girl with the biggest smile smeared across her entire face. Her cheeks were lit up in a pinked glow that could give my constant blush a run for its money.

  Aly had their hands woven together in a show of solidarity.

  “This is my sister, Courtney, the birthday girl. Courtney, this is Samantha. I don’t know if you remember her?” she prodded, and I was pretty sure Aly had already filled Jared’s little sister in on who I was and the significance I bore, if it could be considered significant at all.

  But to me, it had been significant.

  That was the hardest part. Every second I’d spent with Christopher had felt that way, as if I was experiencing the most vital, meaningful moments in my life.

  It cut me to the core that they’d turned out to be a sham.

  I stretched out my hand, trying to keep it from trembling. “It’s so good to see you again, Courtney. Happy birthday.”

  I thought it was adorable that Aly had claimed Jared’s sister as her own, and from the timid joy that exuded from this beautiful girl I could tell it meant the world to her.

  Instead of accepting my hand, Courtney stepped forward and hugged me. “I remember you.” Her voice was soft and sincere. She pulled away and self-consciously tucked a lock of blond hair behind her ear, glancing up at me under lashes with a shyness I rarely witnessed anymore. “Wow… you are so pretty.”

  Quiet laughter trickled from me, and it was my turn to be self-conscious. “Not half as pretty as you.”

  Instantly, I felt a kinship with Jared’s sister, could sense how real and unsure of herself she was. As if maybe she was almost as uncomfortable as I was with this whole situation.

  I knew little about her, other than what Aly had filled me in on during coffee the previous week. After Jared’s mother had died, she’d gone to live with her grandparents for close to two years. Their father had been in no state to take care of a little girl, too consumed with the loss of his wife.

  But when Jared and Courtney’s grandmother died, Courtney had gone back to her father, who’d immediately packed them up and moved them to California, while Jared had still been in juvie, estranged from his family. It had been only a few months since Jared and his father had reconciled, and he was just now reestablishing a relationship with his little sister.

  No wonder she seemed so anxious, ill at ease, and yet still like she wouldn’t want to be any other place in the world.

  Seemed I wasn’t the only one with her past catching up to her.

  I let my attention glide around the room. Silver and black balloons and streamers were strung up all over the place, and laughter rang against the walls, echoed in from outside.

  Clearly, today’s celebration was about moving on and embracing the future. There was no question about it.

  Hope blossomed inside me. My thoughts from earlier hit me. It was time for me to embrace my future, too, to finally let go of the past.

  “Oh my God! Look who’s here!” An enthusiastic voice rose above the crowd, and Megan cut away from the three people she was talking with near the sliding glass door that led to the back. She shot forward and threw herself into my arms. She squeezed and rocked me like I was her oldest friend and she hadn’t seen me in years, and I was laughing when I hugged her back.

  “It’s good to see you, too.”

  Megan turned to Courtney. “Now you’re officially having the coolest party in history, because all of the coolest chicks are here.”

  Courtney looked around the big, open space, all the rooms overflowing with people. “I know. I can’t believe they did all this for me.”

  “And why in the heck wouldn’t they?” Megan asked. “All Jared and Aly have been talking about is you finally getting here.”

  Courtney blushed harder, but the most heartfelt kind of joy gleamed from her ice blue eyes.

  God. I wondered if it was hard for Jared to look at her… or for her to look in the mirror… because she looked almost exactly like I remembered their mother.

  “Sheesh… I feel like an outsider over here with you pack of gorgeous blondes,” Aly teased, holding on to Courtney’s hand, swinging it between them, her grin bouncing around the three of us.

  I exaggerated an eye roll. “Right. Because you’re absolutely hideous.”

  Aly’s laughter echoed around the room, and I couldn’t help my smile. Comfort enveloped me and I was suddenly thankful I’d come, even though I knew facing Christopher without running for my life was going to be difficult. But somehow I knew it was going to be worth it. Aly made me believe this was where I was supposed to be.

  Aly looked over her shoulder. “Come on outside. The steaks are almost ready and I need to see if Jared needs any help. Would you like something to drink first?”

  Megan groaned toward the ceiling. “Oh my God, go for the punch that Karen made. Aly’s mom is some kind of wonder bartender, and she made a huge bowl of punch to prove it. Best thing I’ve ever tasted. And believe me, it has a kick to it. Two glasses in and I’m already feeling it. I’m pretty sure you’re going to need a very tall glass.”

  Was it that obvious I needed something strong to calm my nerves?

  Considering I couldn’t stop looking around the room, and I was sure it was totally clear what… or rather who… I was seeking, I guessed the answer was a resounding yes.

  Ignoring the turmoil inside me, I let a grin pull at one side of my mouth. “Since you seem to be the connoisseur of all things alcoholic, I doubt you’d steer me wrong. I’ll grab one and meet you out there.”

  Aly frowned in concern. “You sure?”

  “Yes. Completely.”

  She hesitated.

  “Go on.” I shooed them with my hands. “I’ll grab a drink and meet you outside.”

  “Grab me one, too,” Megan called as she trailed Aly and Courtney out the back sliding glass door.

  “Got it,” I hollered, chuckling under my breath, still not understanding how it was possible that I’d found myself in the midst of such easy affection, with such good people who welcomed me right into their fold without a second thought.

  Well, all except for the one who’d managed to wring me inside out. The one who seemed to matter above all else. Because no matter how hard I tried to minimize his importance, the idea of really facing him continued to pump and feed the agitation that stirred and stewed within me, like some unseen force was calling me deeper into the promise of the unknown.

  I seemed all too intent on throwing myself headlong into it.

  As I chewed at my bottom lip, my gaze again traveled the room, which was thinning out, everyone heading out back when Jared called that the food was ready and dinner was set up on a buffet table outside.

  All of that anxiety that had followed me through the week had gotten all mixed up with the ease I felt every time I was in Aly’s space. Still, the one face I was so terrified and completely desperate to see was nowhere to be found.

  That didn’t mean I couldn’t feel him here.

  His overwhelming presence was strong. Tremors rolled through me as I made my way into the kitchen, my head downturned as I said a quiet hello to two guys from Jared’s work who were on their way out.

  I stood at the counter in front of the bar, staring down
at the round slices of oranges floating in the glass bowl.

  Get a grip. You can do this. You’re strong.

  Grabbing two clear plastic cups, I filled them with ice from the bucket, scooped the red punch into the ladle, and lifted it to fill a cup.

  Liquid courage.

  I felt my own smirk right before the breath hit me at the back of the neck, and I froze. Chills flashed across my flesh, drenching my skin in a ripple of delicious sensation that quickly gave way to a cold flush of dread.

  I sucked in a staggered breath. With shaking hands, I set the cup aside and let the ladle slip so that it clattered around in the glass bowl. The cold granite was unyielding as I made a vain attempt at digging my fingers into it to keep myself from falling when my knees went weak.

  Again, I’d thought I was prepared for the onslaught of emotion Christopher sent barreling through my senses.

  But the truth was, there was never a time in my life when I’d been prepared for him.

  Behind me, I could feel his body towering over mine, an inch away. Dark and consuming. One step back and I was sure I’d sink into the raging sea of this man and forever disappear. Right into a black hole of nothingness.

  He edged forward and forced my stomach into the counter, the length of his hard, hot body pressing into mine. I gasped and clung to the edge, his presence crawling over me, sucking me in with the intention of spitting me out.

  I wanted to be strong, to turn and face him, to assert that he no longer had any control over me. To pretend as if every inch of my skin didn’t come alive with his close proximity.

  But instead I felt myself faltering, and fear seized my heart when I realized I was going to crumble at his feet.

  I wasn’t even strong enough to stand.

  The sickest part of it all was that he had me pinned. Literally. This demon of a man was keeping me from falling to the floor.

  He leaned in closer, brushing his mouth across my ear. Shivers raced through me, and I clamped down my mouth, trying not to inhale the potent nature of the boy who’d rocked my entire world. The one responsible for the huge, gaping crack in my foundation.