Drowning to Breathe Read online

  More bitter laughter, and I paced again, wiping the back of a hand over my mouth like I could wipe away the sour taste.

  I cut my attention to her. “Told you I might still be going to jail, Shea. Told you I wasn’t any good for you because every time I turn around I’m doing something to threaten my freedom. And my freedom is threatened because of him…because he fed my baby brother pills, then walked away and left him for dead.”

  A shocked sob wracked through her and she covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh my God. No.”

  She blinked what seemed a million times, seeming to withdraw, like she wanted to shrink back into her bed and disappear.

  Awareness slammed me hard and fast, and I reached for her, framing her face in my hands as my own terror barreled through me. I saw it, Shea’s truth. “What did he do to you?”

  She squeezed her eyes closed, withdrawing further.

  I tightened my grip, and the demand scraped up my throat. “Tell me.”

  She shook her head against my hold. “I can’t.”

  “You can’t, or you won’t?”

  “Can’t.”

  It felt like she burned me.

  She gasped when I suddenly released her. Eyes narrowed with regret, I studied her. She looked so small sitting at the edge of her bed. Fucking broken, still the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. All her colors striking bold. All that black and white, the deepest red and the darkest dark, trust and light. An outright fear distorted it all.

  Like maybe she was begging me to see inside at the same time as she was shutting me out.

  My phone rang from my jeans pocket, and my attention went back to what was most important—the tiny girl who’d been ripped from her home.

  “It’s Anthony,” I said when I saw his name lighting the screen.

  Hope swept her features.

  I put the phone to my ear. “Anthony, tell me you have news.”

  His heavy sigh traveled across the line. Foreboding. I sucked in a breath.

  “I do. I’m just sorry it isn’t the kind of news you want to hear, Baz. I got word Martin Jennings made a public statement an hour ago. He’s playing the concerned father card. He says he knew he had to step in when he discovered you and Shea were dating. He’s using the assault against him and your past possession and theft convictions as his ammo. He’s claiming you’re only with Shea to get back at him and using his daughter as a pawn.”

  The bastard was saying I was dangerous.

  Which when it came to Martin Jennings, I was. A fucking loose cannon. I knew in my gut that asshole’s involvement with Mark and my baby brother went far deeper than any of us fathomed.

  And now it involved Shea and Kallie.

  I turned away from the terror blanketing Shea’s expression when she saw mine drop, unable to look at her as Anthony confirmed what I’d worried about most.

  The shit going down in my life would be responsible for taking Shea down.

  Knew it the second I saw him step from that car—Jennings was here because of me.

  You were warned you’d regret fucking with me.

  Point-blank, that’s what he’d said with a devious smirk on his face. Same thing he’d warned at that doomed mediation.

  Running a hand down the tense muscles at the back of my neck, I studied my feet as I paced the floor.

  All along I’d known I was bad for her. All. Along. There wasn’t anything right in my life, so how could I be right for her? But I’d pretended for so long I could possibly be that guy, I’d begun to believe it. Believed it when Shea had accepted me back after she’d found out who I was, because she recognized the man hidden underneath. Reached in far enough to touch him. To bring him to life through her beauty and light.

  The one who wanted something more. To be something better.

  I wanted it so fucking bad I’d gone and forgotten all the garbage still eating at my heels.

  Forgot about the fact I was either going back to jail or back on the road. Instead, I carried on with Shea like I was always gonna be here, wanting her and Kallie as my own when the shit in my life owned me.

  Now with Kallie and Shea being tied to Jennings?

  I had no idea how to make any of this right.

  He cleared his throat. “I know you’re already well aware of this, but there is no question he’s out for blood, and you’ve become his target. I won’t pretend to know Shea or her little girl, but the fact he’s willing to use his own child as bait shows how ruthless he is.”

  “She’s not his child.” I spat it out faster than I could think better of it, like I had the fucking right to claim it.

  “No? That’s not what the paperwork says.” Exasperation laced his words, before they slowed with caution. “I’ve always been on your side, Baz, and I’m always going to be. You deserve happiness, more than just about anyone I know. But you’re going to have to ask yourself if this is worth getting your hands dirtier than they already are.”

  Worth it?

  Anthony had no clue Shea and Kallie were worth everything.

  I’d give up anything and everything to protect them.

  Even if it meant what I was giving up was them.

  I didn’t give him a straight answer. Instead, I gritted my teeth and forced out the words. “All I want you to worry about is getting that little girl back where she belongs.”

  Anthony pushed out a heavy breath. “Okay. I’m taking a red-eye. I leave in two hours. You and I will talk when I get there. But whatever you decide, I’m going to be at your side through all of this.”

  Of course he was. Never once had he let me down.

  His voice took on the tone he reserved for business. “I got in touch with Kenny. He was able to contact a family attorney in Savannah. He’s supposed to be good. Really good. He has a meeting set up for Shea first thing in the morning. I’ll have the details with me when I get there.”

  “Thank you,” I muttered roughly.

  I hated the callus way he’d just laid everything out, not having a clue just how deep I’d gotten. Yet I couldn’t find it in me to be pissed at my friend.

  He didn’t know how important Shea had become. What she meant.

  Or what loving her might cost.

  Guess I hadn’t, either.

  I ended the call, reluctant to look back on her.

  She was shaking when I finally did. Her hands were clasped in front of her like she was sending up a prayer. “What did he say?”

  “What I knew all along. Me bein’ in your life is only gonna hurt you. Hurt Kallie. And there isn’t a chance in this godforsaken world I’ll be the one to stand in the way of you getting your daughter back.”

  I snagged my shirt from where it’d been discarded on the floor and yanked it over my head. The fabric stuck to my damp flesh. I shoved my feet in my boots. The whole time Shea watched me as if she couldn’t comprehend what was happening any more than I could.

  Then she rushed to stand. The towel dropped from her shoulders as she took an anguished step forward. “Don’t you dare leave me, Sebastian Stone.”

  Her pink pajamas were still wet, the cut of those long, toned legs set firm in their defiance, shirt clinging to her soft, soft skin.

  So perfect.

  So gorgeous.

  The girl everything I never knew I wanted.

  “I’m sorry,” I barely breathed. It was the truth. I was fucking sorry. Sorry I wasn’t different. Sorry I wasn’t better. Sorry she hadn’t been more honest. Sorry our worlds had collided in a way they never should.

  “The two of us?” I shook my head. “Maybe we’re no good for each other, after all.”

  We were nothing but volatile, kindling and gas and the strike of a match.

  I took a step toward the door. It hurt so bad my voice went flat. “I will do everything I can to help you get Kallie back. My attorney contacted someone who can help you. I don’t care what it costs. I’ll pay anything. Won’t stop until it’s done.”

  I turned and strode across the lan
ding, focused ahead.

  Shea clamored behind me. Her breaths came harsh and hard. “Sebastian…don’t.”

  I made it down three stairs.

  “Look at me,” she begged.

  My feet faltered. I couldn’t resist. I looked back. Looked back on beauty. Both her hands were fisted between her breasts, right over her heart I was sure I could hear above the roar in my ears. That sweet, innocent spirit calling out for me above the slow seeping pain that groaned from within.

  My chest ached like a bitch.

  Slowly, she began to shake her head. “Don’t you dare, Sebastian. I don’t know what he said to you during that call, but it doesn’t change anything.”

  “No, you’re right, Shea. It doesn’t change anything.”

  It was just a brutal reminder.

  The danger in pretending is it becoming real.

  “It was always this way,” I said, my jaw clenching with a flash of pain. “Always knew I was never gonna be good enough for you. Warned you I was going to break you. Still, there was nothing I could do to keep myself from chasing you. I did this.”

  Her storm gathered strength. I could feel it. The stir of energy that swelled in the room.

  Dark.

  Light.

  Heavy.

  Soft.

  I wanted to sink into it and disappear.

  This time forever, because I didn’t want to forget, and I didn’t ever want to come up for air, but I wasn’t going to be the one who stood between her and Kallie.

  Funny how I hadn’t given a shit how badly Jennings could hurt me. The threat of jail time. The loss of money. Even the loss of my life. None of it mattered, just as long as it meant I was protecting my brother. My family.

  Now the bastard had changed all the rules.

  Frantic, she edged forward. “No. You know this wasn’t just about you. It was the perfect storm.”

  I bit back a biting laugh.

  Storm.

  Maybe it was hers, the force of that hurricane inciting a war. Urging it forward. Bringing two enemies face to face.

  But every battle has casualties, and I refused that to be Kallie.

  Shea stumbled over her words. All of them tumbled out with a confession I didn’t know could hurt so fucking bad.

  “I haven’t seen him since the day Kallie was born…but he made sure I wouldn’t forget that one day he’d be coming for me. Never let me forget I owed him and he would be back to collect.”

  Hate raged through me. Every muscle in my body tightened with the need for revenge. With the need to track him down, find him, and kill the fucker for putting that look on her face.

  Never had I felt so trapped, because not one solution I could find gave me the outcome I wanted.

  The one I wanted most—the one every part of me demanded—was staying here with Shea. Even if a part of me felt betrayed, I knew I knew her. Knew her somewhere deep in a place only she could see. Knew without a doubt she needed to be loved the way I wanted to love her.

  Supported and encouraged and maintained.

  But that would mean Jennings would continue to use me against her.

  I could give into the violence. The base desire to end Martin Jennings, which would be the end of me.

  Or I could just walk away. Do what I could from a distance. Sink all my money into destroying Jennings, make him disappear…legally. Yeah, I’d be fucked, dredging up evidence that would only condemn my entire family.

  But I knew without a doubt I would do it for her.

  Because somewhere along the way she’d become my family.

  Shea took a pleading step forward. Just as pleading as the words pouring from that sweet, sweet mouth. “The whole time he’s been keeping tabs. Waiting for the moment to come in and make our lives hell. Even while I spent years pretending he was dead, I still knew it.”

  I took one more step down, and Shea took a stumbling one forward. An explanation tumbled from her like a petition. “The day Kallie was born…he…he showed up at the hospital. He forced me to add him to the birth certificate. He said if I didn’t, he would fight me for custody. Nothing in the world seemed worse than that monster taking my baby away, so I caved. I was eighteen, Sebastian. Eighteen and terrified of the man who had tried to rule my life.”

  Terrified.

  Monster.

  Those words spun around me like a poisoned vortex.

  Anger bristled beneath the surface of my flesh, arrows staking me deep.

  No, I had no clue what she’d been through. But the expression clouding her face promised it was worse than I could ever imagine.

  My hands curled into fists.

  Shea continued to fumble through the confession. “At the time, I thought it was the best option. The only option. He didn’t even look at her. He just turned and walked out. But not before he stopped at the door and told me I’d never get so far that I’d be out of his reach.”

  Just like he’d promised me.

  Pride.

  Pride.

  Pride.

  How sick this meant more to him than anything else.

  “He would have found a way with or without you being in the middle of it,” she begged, eyes searching my face, and her feet bringing her another step closer.

  Maybe he’d been waiting. But I’d served him the ammunition on a silver platter.

  I gripped the smooth wooden railing where I stood on the third step down. “You want to know what Anthony just told me, Shea? Why CPS showed up here and took her? They took her because of me. Because they believe I’m dangerous and because of that, Kallie is at risk.”

  “You would never hurt her.”

  Biting laughter rocked from me, because no, I’d never purposefully hurt her. Never. But that didn’t mean my mere presence didn’t beg for trouble. Chaos and mayhem and violence attached to my name.

  “Look at me, Shea.” I stretched my arms out to my sides like an offering.

  Shea knew what was underneath. All the scars and hardened body that came from living a hardened life.

  It was the truth of who I really was.

  “Look at me,” I said again. Defeat filled the words.

  Tears Shea hadn’t been able to stop the entire night rolled faster down her angel face.

  Did the fact I had the urge to cross to her make me a sick bastard? Push her against the wall and kiss the hell out of her until neither of us could remember our lives had just gone to shit? Get lost in her sweet touches and soft seduction?

  But maybe it was time both of us started facing our reality.

  She took me by surprise when disappointment coursed from her. “You think I don’t see you?”

  Slowly, she shook her head. “Do you want to know what I see when I look at you, Sebastian? I see someone who takes the burden of the entire world and places it on his shoulders because he somehow thinks he deserves that weight. The one who’d bear it all if it meant those he loves would suffer a little less. I see someone who’s made mistakes just like the rest of us. Just like me. I see someone who maybe on the outside looks a little frightening. But what I’m frightened of most is how intensely he makes me feel.”

  She touched her chest. “I see a man who’s loyal. Devoted. One who opened himself up enough to a love a little girl who isn’t even his. I see the man who caused me to fall so hard I didn’t know what hit me. I see a man I’d needed so badly, yet hadn’t even known it until he showed me what I was missing. I see the one I love.”

  Shea’s words assaulted me, battered me with her unending belief and light. Like she was lifting me above the dark she threatened to drown me in.

  An enigma. This girl I had no clue if I even knew. My savior. My ruin.

  She didn’t stop. She just kept firing away.

  “I see the only one who I want to do this with. Am I scared Jennings is using you to take Kallie from me? Yes. I’m terrified for her. But I also know he would have found another way, and I know it’s time I faced it, and I want to face it with you at my side. I don�
��t care what the rest of the world sees. All I care about is what you mean to me.”

  My chest tightened, welling with emotion. Because fuck, I wanted to believe that, too.

  “What if none of this is good enough?”

  “What if it is?”

  Trying to block it, I shook my head.

  No.

  God, she made me weak.

  My voice grew quiet. “How could I put Kallie’s future on the line, knowing what I’ve done? I’m guilty, Shea. All those accusations…they’re true, and there’s nothing I can do to dispute them.”

  They went so much deeper than the courts had record of, too. All the bullshit I’d gotten away with when I was nothing but a punk kid out trying to make it big, me and the rest of my crew out to conquer the world one fucked-up mistake at a time.

  Worst part?

  Jennings knew. Didn’t matter he was the dirtiest crook there was. He held all the cards.

  I just didn’t know how deep his deck went until tonight.

  “It doesn’t matter,” she whispered, her voice all wispy with hope and faith.

  I looked up at the fucking gorgeous girl who, with just a glance, swallowed me whole.

  Annihilated me with a touch.

  The one I was willing to lay it all down for. My life and my heart and my future. But I was willing to break my own damned heart if it meant she got her little girl back.

  I forced myself down the stairs, turning back just in time to watch as I broke Shea a little more. Always knew I would. Disappointment and hurt amplified her fear. With all of me, I wanted to wipe her pain away.

  Expose her beauty and belief.

  Live in it.

  But I didn’t know how to stay.

  Things had spiraled since the fateful moment when Kallie had almost drowned two days ago. It felt like a fucking lifetime, worn tatters of days strewn across too much time.

  This goddamned perpetual tragedy that just wouldn’t quit.

  I turned away.

  “Sebastian…don’t leave me. You promised me…you promised you’d never leave me again.” Desperate feet pounded on the steps behind me. “Please…look at me.”